Weekend Funnies! November 18, 2006

TICKLE ME ELMO FACTORY

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

DOG OWNER ALERT

Law enforcement officals in the southern United States have issued an advisory to all dog owners to keep their animals inside until further notice. Officials say snipers throughout the south are targeting canines at an alarming rate. Deaths have been reported 17 different cities across the south. Officals can come up with no motive and have few leads. However, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released this picture of an individual wanted for questioning in the matter. (scroll down)

FOR THE LADIES.......MEN ARE LIKE

1. Men are like...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Weather...Nothing can be done to change them.
3. Men are like...Blenders...You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
4. Men are like...Chocolate...Sweet, smooth, & they head right for your hips.
5. Men are like...Commercials...You can't believe a word they say.
6. Men are like...Department Stores...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
7. Men are like...Government Bonds...They take soooooooo long to mature.
8. Men are like...Mascara...They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
9. Men are like...Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
10. Men are like...Lava Lamps...Fun to look at, but not very bright.
11. Men are like...Parking Spots...The good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

GOTTA LOVE THEM SOUTHERN GIRLS

A girl from the south and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from south, being friendly and all, said, "So, where you from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from south, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "SO, WHERE YOU FROM, WITCH??"

HOW BLONDE IS SHE????

She was so blonde that she thought a quarterback was a refund, she thought General Motors was in the Marines, she thought meow mix was a cd for cats, she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center, and at the bottom of the employment application where it says sign here, she was so blonde that she wrote "Taurus."

She was so blonde that she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept, she sent a fax with a stamp on it, under "education" on her job application...she put "hooked on phonics."

She was so blonde she tripped over a cordless phone, she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate," she told her friend to meet her at the corner of walk and don't walk, and she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was so blonde that she studied for a blood test, she sold her car for gas money, she missed the #44 bus...so she took the #22 twice, and when she saw the sign that said "Airport Left".....she turned around and went home.

She was so blond that when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home...she moved, she thought if she spoke her mind....she'd be speechless, she thought she couldn't use her am radio in the evening, and then my personal favorite............SHE THOUGHT TACO BELL WAS A MEXICAN TELEPHONE COMPANY!

AND THEN THERE'S THIS................

Why Rednecks Can't Be Paramedics......A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. the other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead, what should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is silence on the line for a couple of moments....then a loud shout.

Bubba's friend then comes back on the line and says....."Okay, now what?"

Til next time!!!

Originally posted 11-18-06 on Yahoo 360

Weekend Funnies, July 29, 2006

The Frenchman

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter, and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble gum sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread?”

American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.” The Frenchman has a smirk on his face as the American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with that bread?”

American: “Of course.”

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peals, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.”

After a moment of silence…

The American asks: “Do you have sex in France?”

Frenchman: “Why, of course we do,” he says with a big smirk.

American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

Frenchman: “We through them away of course.”

American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into bubble gum, and sell them to France.”


Redneck Phone Pole Installers

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone poll installers, and the boss had to choose and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job.” Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish Guys, came back and the boss asked how many they had installed. They said it was tough going, but they ‘d put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys, came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “How many poles did you install?” Team leader Bubba wiped his brow and sighed…”Duke and Me, we put three in.” The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!” “Yeah,” said Bubba, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!”


Mexican Computer Virus

Buenos Dias!!! Jou Haff Yust receibed a Mehican Byrus. Sin we no habe no so good techniologically adbance in Mehico, dee is a manuak Byrus. Pleese delete all jour files and jour hard-drive jourself and send dees email to eberyone jou know.
Thank jou for halping me.
Julio, Manuel, Jose, Felipe, Pablo, Jaime, Hector, Rodriguez
Garcia, Salazar Gonzales
Mehican Hacker


It’s Good to be Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure am,” said the blonde, “Do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is, I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already, so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you 100 dollars for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blondes car, carefully strapped into their sealt belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps….much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of the brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded. “I gave you 100 dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!” “Yes I know you did,” said the blonde, “But we had money left over, so now we are going to Sea World!”


……And then there’s this to keep’em wondering!!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, pointing a hair
dryer at passing cars to see if they will slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom at work and don’t disguise your voice.
3. Everytime you’re asked to do something, ask if they want fries with that!
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In Box.”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffine addiction, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks write, “For Smuggling Diamonds.”
7. Finish all your sentence with “In Accordance with the Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. With a serious face, order Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is “To Go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell all your friends you can’t attend their party
because you aren’t in the mood.
16. Have all your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: “Rock Bottom.”
17. When the money comes out of the ATM machine, scream: “I won, I won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start eunning toward the parking lot yelling, “Run for
your lives, They’re Loose!!!”
19. Over dinner, tell your children: “Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go.”
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…..JUST BE YOURSELF!!

(Originally posted 7-29-06 on Yahoo 360)