Sunday, July 13, 2008

Weekend Funnies, July 29, 2006

The Frenchman

An American is having breakfast in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter, and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble gum sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: “You American folk eat the whole bread?”

American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): “We don’t. In France, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.” The Frenchman has a smirk on his face as the American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat jelly with that bread?”

American: “Of course.”

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peals, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.”

After a moment of silence…

The American asks: “Do you have sex in France?”

Frenchman: “Why, of course we do,” he says with a big smirk.

American: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

Frenchman: “We through them away of course.”

American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into bubble gum, and sell them to France.”

Redneck Phone Pole Installers

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone poll installers, and the boss had to choose and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most poles gets the job.” Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish Guys, came back and the boss asked how many they had installed. They said it was tough going, but they ‘d put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys, came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “How many poles did you install?” Team leader Bubba wiped his brow and sighed…”Duke and Me, we put three in.” The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!” “Yeah,” said Bubba, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!”

Mexican Computer Virus

Buenos Dias!!! Jou Haff Yust receibed a Mehican Byrus. Sin we no habe no so good techniologically adbance in Mehico, dee is a manuak Byrus. Pleese delete all jour files and jour hard-drive jourself and send dees email to eberyone jou know.
Thank jou for halping me.
Julio, Manuel, Jose, Felipe, Pablo, Jaime, Hector, Rodriguez
Garcia, Salazar Gonzales
Mehican Hacker

It’s Good to be Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure am,” said the blonde, “Do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is, I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already, so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you 100 dollars for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blondes car, carefully strapped into their sealt belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps….much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of the brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded. “I gave you 100 dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!” “Yes I know you did,” said the blonde, “But we had money left over, so now we are going to Sea World!”

……And then there’s this to keep’em wondering!!!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, pointing a hair
dryer at passing cars to see if they will slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom at work and don’t disguise your voice.
3. Everytime you’re asked to do something, ask if they want fries with that!
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In Box.”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffine addiction, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks write, “For Smuggling Diamonds.”
7. Finish all your sentence with “In Accordance with the Prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. With a serious face, order Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
11. Specify that your drive-thru order is “To Go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell all your friends you can’t attend their party
because you aren’t in the mood.
16. Have all your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: “Rock Bottom.”
17. When the money comes out of the ATM machine, scream: “I won, I won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start eunning toward the parking lot yelling, “Run for
your lives, They’re Loose!!!”
19. Over dinner, tell your children: “Due to the economy, we are going to have
to let one of you go.”
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity…..JUST BE YOURSELF!!

(Originally posted 7-29-06 on Yahoo 360)
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