Sunday, August 17, 2008

Weekend Funnies, September 24, 2006


I'm pretty much braindead today. That's usually a good sign that it's time for some weekend funnies.....so......here we go! ENJOY!

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4
.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the
stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your
stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again. "
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going out to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh
S*$# what the hell happened?"

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Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands a nd feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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A PERFECT ONE FOR SCRABBLE ADDICTS!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES LETS RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS NO MORE Zs

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).

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THE HUSBAND STORE AND THE WIFE STORE

Subject: Husband store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened. As
you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store
operates. A big sign says, Please Note: You may enter this store ONLY ONCE!!! There are 6 floors and the attributes of the men increase as you ascend the levels. You can choose any man from a particular floor, but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband and this is what
she sees.

On the 1st floor a sign reads: Floor 1 --- these men have jobs.

She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads: Floor 2 --- these men
have jobs and love kids.

She goes up to the 3rd floor where a sign reads: Floor 3 --- these men
have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

On the 4th floor a sign reads: Floor 4 --- these men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still she goes to the 5th floor and a sign reads: Floor 5 --- these men
have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and
have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but goes on the the 6th floor and a sign reads:

You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. It exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the husband store.


NEW WIFE STORE ACROSS THE STREET

The 1st floor has wives who enjoy sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who enjoy sex and have money.

The 3rd thru 6th floors have never been visited.

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello?"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000.Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ... Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "Great, thank you. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
Saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
Is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.They will Probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's Really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye, honey, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
In astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this
Phone belongs to?"

HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR WEEKEND!

Til Next Time!

Originally posted 9/24/06 on Yahoo 360

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