Weekend Funnies!, May 28, 2006

Just a few laughs for the holiday weekend!

The Supermarket

They just built a new supermarket near our house. In the produce department they have a mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. When you approach the milk cases, you here cows mooing. When you get to the egg case, you hear hens cackling. So far.....I've been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

The Sermon

This particular Sunday sermon was no different than many others. The pastor started with a prayer as usual. With arms outstretched to the heavens and a rapturous look on his face, the minister began......Dear Lord, without you, we are but dust....At this point, one little girl who was actually listening and paying attention turned to her mother and said in a rather loud shrill manner......"Mommie, what is butt dust?

"Words Women Use (and what they really mean)

Fine- This is the word that wives and girlfriends use to end an argument. Guys, at this point, all you can do is just shut up!

Nothing- This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Conversations that begin with "nothing" usually end with "fine" or "yes dear!"

Go Ahead- This is a dare not permission. For the love of god and all that is right in this world.....please....DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh- This isn't actually a word, but a non verbal statement that is often misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time arguing with you over "nothing."

That's Okay- This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay", means she wants to think long and hard about how she will make you pay for your mistake.

Thanks- She is simply thanking you. Don't question it, faint, or try to read something more into it. Just accept it and say "you're welcome!"

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...........Five years ago if you had spent 1,000 dollars on Nortel stock, today it would be worth approximately 49.00. With Enron, you might have about 16.50 left of the original 1,000 dollar investment. With World Com, you would have less than 5 dollars left. With a Delphi investment you would have absolutlely nothing left. However, if you had taken that 1,000 dollars and spent it all on beer, drank it all and turned the cans in for the recycling refund......you would have had plenty of drinking, some questionable nourishment and 401 dollars in the bank after recycling! Based on the above scenario, my current advice would be to drink heavily and recycle. I call it the 401 Keg Plan!

(originally posted 5-28-06 on Yahoo 360)