MidWeek Funnies, July 19, 2006

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico Wage & Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well" replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." "That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher

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COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.......... Maybe we should give them all a cow.

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TEN COMMANDMENTS


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians because it creates a hostile work environment.

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California -156 years ago!

Do you know what happened back in 1850, in California?

1. California became a state.

2. The State had no electricity.

3. The State had no money.

4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

5. There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands!!!

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And then there's this.................

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.

Letter:

Mrs. Chase,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO
Re: Mr. Mark Chase - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Mark Chase has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they
weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
house-wares.... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you
people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where
the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position
and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least) (which happens to be my favorite!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very
loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

HAVE A GREAT "HUMP DAY"!!!!!!!!

(originally posted 7-19-06 on Yahoo 360)