Monday Night Funnies, July 03, 2006

THE BLONDE SAYS:..............Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Helloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

FROM THE FOREIGN DESK:..............................A man and his ever-nagging Wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the Wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS.....................................................................................

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Tuesday January 24,2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll : Does It Change Itself?--- Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor,Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor---Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes: Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?---Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other---Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things: Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming---Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health---Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost: Real Life Testimonials---Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?---Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife---Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises,Meditation and Breathing Techniques---Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late---Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven: What It Is and How It Is Used---Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GREAT TUESDAY AND A GREAT 4TH OF JULY!!!

(originally posted 7-3-06 on Yahoo 360)